I’m writing this from the other side. I’m with someone wonderful now, who brings me joy and brings me challenge, and who is not perfect but is willing to look inside with me. My partner is one of the best humans I know, and meeting her changed my life.
I wish I’d had this guide when I first Googled “Is my relationship toxic?” So here it is. Not an attack on anyone – just the 101 I needed.
It never starts out toxic
Despite years of therapy and a ton of internal work, both inside and outside the therapy room, I kept ending up in toxic relationships. They never start out toxic. They never do. But they always end that way.
It took me far too long to spot the pattern, and I’m laughing at myself for taking as long as I did. Oh, right: external validation is a hell of a drug.
I was twenty-nine when I first felt a true sense of “I’m good enough” just as I am. Twenty-nine years spent believing I wasn’t worth more than the family dog. Twenty-nine years thinking I deserved to sleep on the floor to avoid disturbing someone else’s peace, even when I hadn’t caused a fight. If that sounds familiar, keep reading.
What your body knows
Your body usually knows long before your mind catches up. Ask yourself:
- Do you walk on eggshells when raising concerns?
- Do you suppress yourself to keep the peace?
- Does your heart race during difficult conversations?
- Do your shoulders hunch, your body folding inward?
- Are you hypervigilant, waiting for them to snap?
Those are signs the relationship isn’t safe.
What it looks like day to day
Your body is the alarm. These questions are the evidence:
- Are your concerns dismissed or turned back on you?
- Does your partner own their feelings, or are you responsible for them?
- Does your partner admit when they’re at fault?
- Do your wins, your grief or your friendships get treated as a threat?
- Are you changing yourself to avoid conflict, not because you want to?
If most of those land the wrong way, you’re not imagining it.
When your gut isn’t reliable
Everyone says “trust your gut.” I’d add a catch, because it’s the part that took me years: if you grew up in chaos, your gut can be calibrated to it. Danger can feel familiar, and safety can feel boring or even wrong.
So if you keep ending up in the same place, don’t rely on the feeling alone. Test it. Run it against the lists above, and tell someone you trust what’s actually happening, in plain words. Your gut is a signal. It isn’t always a verdict.
Toxic versus abusive
These aren’t the same, and the difference matters. A toxic relationship drains you, shrinks you and stops you feeling safe to be yourself. Abuse goes further: control, intimidation, fear for your safety, being cut off from people. If you’re afraid of what your partner might do, treat that as a safety issue, not a relationship-quality issue. See the support lines below.
What safe actually feels like
Here’s the part nobody told me. Ask yourself:
- Are most of your needs met?
- Do you feel heard, seen and understood?
- Does your partner make reasonable changes when you ask?
- Are your concerns validated?
- Does your partner own their feelings?
- Does your partner admit when they’re at fault?
I used to read that list as a fantasy. Now I read it as a description of my relationship. My partner isn’t perfect, and neither am I. What she is, is willing: willing to look inside, willing to own her side, willing to do the work alongside me. Not perfection. Willingness.
If you’ve ever feared being alone, or wondered “what if they change and I miss out?”, let me tell you from here: the thing you’re afraid of missing out on is not them. It’s this.
For those of us with Complex PTSD, healing is a lifelong journey, but it doesn’t have to be about survival. I’ve spent most of the last few years thriving. You can too.
The only way out is through, unless it’s a toxic relationship. Toss that fucker to the side.
Keep reading
Mark Manson has a great article on this too: 6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship.
If you need support
- 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (24/7, free, confidential)
- Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7)
- In immediate danger: 000
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