Hope Architect

These past few weeks have been filled with the largest amount of pain I have ever experienced in my life. Burying my Mum and watching the grief that has washed across my family has been an absolute fucking tidal wave.

I spent years preparing for these moments, working hard to know internally that the relationship I had with my Mum would never be the mother-son relationship that I wanted and eventually came to peace with that. At some point I also came to a level of peace knowing that at some point soon we would lose her, something I realised now no amount of ‘getting ready’ for prepares you for what eventually comes. While I feel like I’m beginning to become aware of what I need to do to move forward in my life I want to share a few things. Things that I dont think we share enough.

It was pretty fucking messed up my brother and I finding Mum, I don’t wish that upon anybody but its something that after doing some research I realised happens frequently. I didn’t sleep properly for almost a week as I kept picturing her not waking up, the person that for as long as I can remember always survived everything thrown at her. Be it car accidents, drug mishaps (medications for her illness been prescribed incorrectly), multiple ICU visits and a slew of domestic violence cases she always pulled through. No one prepares you for walking into that and no one gives you the tools to process it either, you sort of just have to work out how to move through it yourself.

Its the smaller stuff that hurts the most, knowing my phone will never light up with her name again, that I won’t get a text from her asking how I am, or a complaint from her that I didn’t see her enough when I was up. For as long as I can remember since I moved to Sydney I always came home and saw her at least once, every Christmas, but one of the hardest things that takes a lot of courage to admit is that I was still angry at her, all the way up until she passed there was a part of me holding onto some resentment. I was really angry at myself initially so frustrated that I never got to say what I actually wanted to say and that it took for this to happen for me to do it.

I’ve realised now that death does this strange thing, where all that anger and resentment you held towards someone dissipates, it just doesn’t have a place anymore.

I had a lot of regret I’ve had to take a look at and weigh up whether its worth holding onto. Regret that I built my life so far away from her, while she suffered. That I wasn’t able to be there the way my brothers were for her, that I struggled to find ways to relate to her my entire life. That there seems is anger placed toward me for how I dealt with this. If you are reading this and can relate to anything I am saying, I feel you, I know your pain. I’ve learnt through this experience that its not about holding regret and killing yourself with it. Instead its about looking at what you can learn. So here is what I’ve learnt.

The anger I held was valid but misplaced, the perception of who I was looking at was skewed as the little parts of myself hadn’t processed everything and were holding onto that anger as a way of protecting themselves. I could beat myself up and go down the path of vilifying myself (trust me I gave it a good go at the start) or I could choose to move forward in my life with the lessons I’ve learned all the while owning the things I didn’t quite get right. I’m choosing the latter as I know the time I have left on this Earth is limited and I also know that where Mum is now, she’s looking down on me with only love and understanding, there ain’t any anger coming from her. I sat down last night and wrote out a giant goodbye letter to Mum where I apologised to myself for all the things I didn’t do, I’ve realised that that’s what this is primarily about. I needed to let myself know that I was sorry, forgiveness internally opened my heart to finally close this door with Mum. As I wrote those words out I felt it all clicked.

I was never angry at Mum, I was angry at myself.

There are experiences I never had, love I didn’t get to feel and safety that wasn’t always there. But if I didn’t go through all of those things or not have those experiences I never would have become who I am. I never would have become the person that can sit down and write this out, ready for people to read it and think whatever they would like to think.

Life has to be about learning, it can’t be about sitting down and choosing to hate yourself, if you do that life isn’t going to be enjoyable. Mum. Thank you for all that you did, I now know you leaving me all those years ago was you saving me. I love you and I always will.

I know you are at peace now, your foot planted right down on that accelerator more than likely being chased down by Grandma & Grandad as they try to wrangle your energy, something no one could ever be successful at.