Hope Architect

I didn’t choose to write this today, something literally compelled me to come to the keyboard and put what’s going through my mind into words. An energy inside of me knows that this will help someone whether they are at the start or the end of their journey, whereas something externally is guiding me to help others find light in their own darkness. 

Mothers day used to be a day I’d spend avoiding entirely or numbing out completely so I didn’t have to feel the pain that sat inside my body. Parts of me used to fantasize about what it must be like to sit down on a Sunday afternoon and thank someone for all the wonderful things they did for them in their life, all the support they provided and the unconditional love. I remember the first time I stopped feeling parts of me trying to numb me out of my body so I didn’t feel the exorbitant amount of pain I was in. When I first felt that pain I still remember my initial reaction was something along the lines of ‘and you can go the fuck back to where you came from’ and immediately I tried to push it away. I always thought Mother’s Day would be like this for me. 

Like many things in life, that black and white thinking wasn’t correct. As Mother’s Day approaches this year I’ve felt pangs of sadness and have cried a few times this week but I’m caring for those parts of me that feel that. I’m honoring all of my feelings and just letting them be, because these are all welcome feelings. The more I just sit with these feelings and let them be the better I’ve been feeling. I took this week off from any kind of drinking as I wanted to be present for all of this. I think I unconsciously knew that If I sat with all of these emotions I’d feel a lot better. 

When I wrote the many faces of abandonment I spoke about how I dealt with the fact that I never had a ‘Mother’ throughout my life and went into detail about how I learnt to really be there for myself. This allowed me to look at little kids and their mothers and really feel a strong sense of warmth towards them, to see their little faces and know that they have someone that loves them fills me to the brim with happiness. I think of my emotions that come up throughout this week as those little kids (they literally are) and I give them a hug, I let them know a big strong adult is with them and that they are loved. I then think about the fact that at some stage in my life I’ll have kids who will look into their mothers eyes and see the love that I never had reflecting back at them. I already feel it now but I know at that point a huge inter generational cycle of trauma will be broken to pieces. 

If you find this time of the year difficult, firstly know you are not alone. Secondly, know that there are things you can do to really honor and keep yourself safe if this weekend is a hard one for you. 

Over the years I’ve applied a lot of different tools and strategies to ensure I feel okay, here is what I have found works really well for me:

• Boundaries, the first thing I ever did was put boundaries in with my mum and kept putting these in place until it was well established. Something I learnt is that just because someone put you on this earth doesn’t mean it gives them permission to make your life hell. 
• Talk. This ones important, reach out to a friend, reach out to someone in your family if you feel they are safe. If you feel there aren’t any options for you to reach out to someone call lifeline or your local support services. I promise there are people in this world that want to help you
• Honor your feelings. You feel like yelling at something? Yell. You feel like crying? Cry. In a world where we are being taught more and more to not be connected to ourselves, connect with yourself.
  • If you feel like a feeling is overwhelming you think of it as a really young version of yourself. Would you be scared of a 7 year old you? Would you be angry? Of course not. 
• Be compassionate to yourself 
• If any of the above feel like too much to do, honor that too. Let that part of you know that you hear it. It’s okay to feel that as well. If you feel that way maybe it’s time to consider some professional help. There are therapists out there who will give you the tools you need. 

I recently read a book by Gabby Bernstein, a spiritual motivational speaker I absolutely adore. It’s called ‘Happy Days’ and in it she goes into detail about a lot of the topics I talk about above. It’s a good starting place to doing the work and a resource I wish I had when I started all of those years ago.

Some of us may have not had the relationships we wanted with our parents when we were growing up and that can be a hard fact to accept. Just know that grieving the things you never had is a completely normal thing, but the more you spend in that pain the less time you get to live your life. Think of the life you get to build now, think of the people you are still yet to meet (or those you may have already) who are going to help you correct some of the things you missed when you were younger. We don’t get to choose how we start our lives, but we certainly get to choose how we live it.