Hope Architect

Finishing therapy almost two years ago was a wonderful but terrifying feeling, I had no idea what I was going to do for the hour that I would no longer be sitting in my therapist’s sun filled room. Quite a few people have asked me why I haven’t written in a while and I really struggled to find an answer, thoughts like ‘I just don’t feel inspired’, ‘I feel like I don’t have anything of value to share’ kept crossing my mind. The actual truth though? I was very lost for a little while, not lost in a ‘wild and vulgar’ way but in an existential one. In truth my past trauma defined me for so long that I didn’t know who I was without that being the forefront of my life. I think unconsciously I realized that therapy was done, I couldn’t hide behind a therapist anymore, so who was I if I wasn’t doing that anymore?

This past two years have forced me to push myself to levels that go beyond what I have ever done in my life. I worked with what would easily be the most difficult client at work, I was the direct recipient of pretty intense abuse (think threats of violence, multiple claims to my team and I’s ability to actually work). I had a relationship come to life and then fall apart after realizing my own self worth was more important than the little seeds of love I was getting. I had friendships start to shift in different ways and I let go of some guilt I was still holding onto from years ago. I’d be lying if I said that in the moment I was enjoying each of these lessons, because I didn’t actually want any of what was happening. I wanted a peaceful life. I remember one of the final things my therapist said to me as we finished up our client-therapist sessions; ‘you deserve to be happy’. Words I tried to live by.

That relationship didn’t work out, but it wasn’t because I screwed up and did something, instead it was because I chose to value myself more. I had needs that weren’t being met, needs that were too much for my partner at the time I knew that deep down the things I was asking for weren’t coming from a base of trauma or a base of not feeling good enough. It was coming from the center of myself, my needs. As someone who experienced a ton of abandonment trauma as a child, you sort of get stuck in a pattern of not wanting whoever is in your life to leave. The difference this time around was this beautiful voice in my mind that basically yelled at me one night: ‘this is the bare minimum, you are worth so much more’.

A voice that exists now but if you’d told me ten years ago it’d be there I wouldn’t have believed you.

There are no bad people in this world, there are only bad behaviors and those behaviors don’t make someone as a whole. Its only a part of them. I don’t look back on any of my past relationships with any form of regret nor anger, they are what have given me the energy to write this. They were also trailheads to look at myself at a deeper level and really iron out what was going on. I also believe that we meet people throughout our life at stages in our journey where we both just aren’t ready. They are there to be guides along the way to help direct us on the right path. Without them I wouldn’t be who I am.

With the above in mind lets touch on something I haven’t dived into before, self worth. I can only speak from my experience, something I have turned around in my own adult life that I will be forever grateful to my therapist and all the people who were with me throughout the process that allowed me to do so. I got to the age of eighteen and felt that I was worth nothing, that garbage on the street was worth more than me, I found myself thinking that the whole world would be better If I was no longer around to take breathing space. Most of my thoughts were centered around the fact that I would never amount to anything, that I would get nowhere and be a lost cause. I had a number of families in my life who were always willing to take me in, to be a part of theirs. For a long time I pretended with them that I was a part of them, internally though, it was a whole different story. I had a deep and dark feeling that I wasn’t worthy to be with any of them, that having me in their life was somehow a let down for them.

Fast forward to now, at twenty nine and you have a very different story. It’s not perfect (Never will be) but internally I know who I am now, I know that it takes courage to write these words to other people. It took courage to turn up to therapy and keep doing so even when I’d get home from sessions and spend the next week sleepless. It took courage to turn up to work without sleep in the middle of some form of dissociation, telling myself internally that one day it would get better. That shit was fucked up, they were the hardest days of my life. They were also the days that were worth the most. The ones that allowed me to fast forward to now.

So what’s now? You may ask. It’s a life where when I wake up in the morning and if I feel off, I have a voice of compassion enter my mind, questioning what is it that I need in this moment to feel okay. A voice that came up last year when the relationship I was in turned sour and made me recognise that the other person wasn’t bad, they just couldn’t give me what I needed. It’s the voice that reminds me when people let me know how much they love me that tells me it understands and knows why they feel that way. Its the voice when I feel like I share some of my ideas with people and I get a sense of dismissal, that says fuck that, keep going. It’s the me that I never knew I had. The me that I have always wanted to be, the me that I chose at eighteen years old to push forward to become.

Everyone has this voice, it’s just that not everyone knows how to access it. I want to guide people on their path to do so.

I’m starting a new chapter in my life now with ‘Hope Architect’. I felt that I told the story of who Kierin Spark was quite well and I’ll continue telling different stories as I launch this platform. I also want to give guidance to others on their healing journey by sharing the wisdom I’ve learnt over the years. Wisdom from both my time in therapy and the time that I spent outside of therapy pulling myself back together so that I could live a life that I deserved to live. This past year and a half has shown me that I’m ready now to guide others in the same way that so many other people have guided me. 

So what does wisdom look like? To be honest I’m still figuring out exactly how I’ll do this but my current thoughts are snippets of major things I’ve worked on or seen others work through and gained wisdom from. In addition to this I’m going to start practicing as a mindset coach, giving people tools, resource and ideas along their path. I also want to be a first point of contact for those who are looking to get into therapy but don’t know where to start, feel scared at the thought of going and want a sounding board to push forward. This next chapter is me giving back to the universe all that I can after it gave me the things I needed to heal, something I’ll forever be grateful for.

I’ve finally figured out what I’ll be doing with all that lost time I no longer use to attend therapy; giving hope to others the way it was given to me.